(Dieser Beitrag auf Deutsch)

reading time: 5 minutes

People love success stories, don’t they? From rags to riches. From dish washer to millionaire. People who have fought their way out of poverty. This is based loosely on the very neoliberal narrative that ‘everyone is the architect of their own fortune,’ Greetings also from capitalism.

But what if luck just doesn’t come your way or disappears? You lose your job. Or you get long Covid and are now permanently unable to work. Your partner leaves you and you suddenly find yourself a single parent. You have a serious accident or illness and are left with a severe disability that will never heal. You have had a chronic illness for a long time or have had a disability since birth. You become homeless because you fall through all the social safety nets.

I grew up privileged. My family lacked nothing materially. I was able to study, then do an apprenticeship, also with the financial support of my parents. But: I have a disability and a chronic mental illness. After trying for around 15 years to gain a long-term foothold somewhere in a job, I had to realise that I am simply not resilient enough for full-time work, or even some forms of part-time work.

Another problem was because of my neurodivergency I have trouble with deep focus for many hours, but in the field of work I was in (graphic design), you need to be a high precision worker and spot even tiny details in layouts and design correctly all the time. 8 hours a day, or longer. I just wasn’t able to do it. Which I didn’t realize during studying, but later, in internships.

During therapy because of my mental illness, my therapist recommended to me to find a secure, but unexciting job. Her line of thought was, that it would be easier to handle the mental illness in such a job. Sometime later, a job coach suggested an education as a librarian to me, because I love books. However, when I applied for a respective education in two different cities, I got rejected.

And here I am now. Despite all the privileges I had as a child, teenager and young adult, I now live on the minimum subsistence level, and even my self-employed activities, which I can pursue for a few hours a week, do not change that.

Why am I writing all this? I want to show that poverty can affect anyone due to a chain of unfortunate circumstances – even if you used to have some privileges at some point in your life.

I get by these days, but I have fears about my future. Especially given possible political changes in Germany. If the right wing extremist party comes to power, they might take away the benefits by the state on which I partly depend to pay for rent, food and other living expenses. Or they might cut the benefits so much, that I’d be in serious trouble.

Oh, and by the way, being disabled is expensive. I need special shoes, which are hard to find and not cheap. At some point later in my life, I’ll surely need a rollator or a wheel chair. I need glasses for short-sightedness. I also need meds on a daily basis and I have to pay a part of all those bills (in the case of the glasses, all of it). I haven’t been to a eye specialist for six years for fear that they are going to tell me I need new glasses or want me to have extra examinations which are recommended for people of my age, but which do not get paid for by my health insurance.

I have very little savings, which I keep for emergencies – like if my computer, cell phone, oven, printer, washing machine or frigde need to be replaced. I had to replace my computer as well as the screen and cell phone, which caused quite a hole in my savings. I haven’t done a holiday trip since 2019 – not even a short one, and I am so worried I might need the money from my savings account for another emergency that I dare not use it for anything fun, as you can imagine.

I have friends and family. Some people have it worse than me, of course, they are all alone.

I used to think I am a burden to everybody around me. Greetings from internalized ableism.

For years, I felt guilty for the money I got from my parents – for studying, for another education. I made plans to pay them back some day. A day, I imagined when I finally was successful in a job, having a career. Because, ‘everyone is the architect of their own fortune’, right?

I keep returning to a quote I once read on social media, by Melanie Lau:
„Western cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose. To work, to make money. Some indigenous cultures believe we’re alive just as nature is alive: to be here, to be beautiful and strange. We don’t need to achieve anything to be valid in our humanness.“

Capitalism and neoliberalism make us all believe that it is our moral duty to become successful, to have a career. Many people make their whole life about this. There are religious traditions, for instance Calvinism, which also strongly endorse this idea.

If I look at myself through the eyes of patriarchy, capitalism and neoliberalism, I have utterly failed. I haven’t made a career for myself. I work a few hours a week as a writer and editor, because that is the only work I can do long-term without getting seriously ill again. But I cannot make a living from it. I am childfree by choice, so I haven’t produced yet another human being who has to live in patriarchy and capitalism.

It took me years to understand that despite all of this, I am not a failure. I am here. I am beautiful and strange. And I don’t need to achieve anything to be valid in my humanness.

That being said, I like to work. I like to achieve things. But I no longer derive my value as a person from my achievements.